Optimism

No sooner did I put up my last post than I read this on my friend's Facebook wall:

"The greater danger for most of us in not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it" - Michelangelo

This was either divine intervention, or a wonderfully timed coincidence.

What do you get when you talk to an eco-radical?

I keep thinking maybe it's time to be a vegetarian, but then I remember all the meat I have in the freezer. So far this has been the year of guilt, and feeling like I personally (along with billions of others) am destroying the world. Being in a biology department that has people in it who study the energy crisis, water crisis, and numerous other crises leads to depressing discussions and debates over how and to what extent humans hurt the planet and each other because of our over consumption and over population.

I take the city bus to school, but occasionally I'll drive if I forget something or if I need to make a quick stop. I drive to the grocery store. I have to take a plane whenever I go to see my family. I don't eat organic because I think it's just to damn expensive, but I do get what's local and in season when it's available. However, how much do individual actions matter? That bus is going to school and that plane is going to CT whether I'm on it or not. Our country's infrastructure is 50+ years old and falling apart, yet we think we're going to add however many million more cars to our bridges and roads over the next few decades. We have no energy plan, yet we think we're going to keep right on growing. Our entire economic model is based on the premise of indefinite growth, which I can assure everyone is not realistic in a world of finite resources. When I really think about it, I'm no more guilty of the stupid crap my government does because I'm an American than I am of the Inquisition because I'm a Catholic. I vote, I tell the higher ups what I want and what my values are, I pay my taxes. Beyond that, I don't know what more I can do as an individual, or if not eating meat would even matter. Those virtuous actions get so diluted in the grand scheme of things.

This week at the very least I came to a decision: I'm going to conscientiously have no more than 2 children in my lifetime. If I want more kids, I'll adopt. That's reproducing for population replacement, not growth. In the United States, reproduction is still a personal decision, the government doesn't impose any kind of restrictions (actually they encourage baby production and population growth through tax incentives, which is madness). A tremendous amount of material and energetic waste comes out of a human life, so this seems like the most ecologically responsible action to take. At least in this regard I can do what seems to be ethically worthwhile.

As far as the meat thing goes, I'll probably get there eventually. Even if individual actions don't really mean much, at least I'd be setting an example. A lot of ethical behavior actually falls into the "doesn't really matter if I do or don't" category, but most people have values none-the-less. For my own sanity, I think I'm going to stop participating in discussions and debates about how the world is at a loss because of people. It's just too depressing. I'm already here and I already know there's a problem, but I can't stand it anymore or else I'm going to end up drinking myself to death (not really, it's a figure of speech, don't worry Mom).

A Very Stressful Semester

Blog updates just aren't happening as regularly as I hoped.

A lot has been going on at school. It seems like busy semesters are a universal principle, regardless of the college or level of education. A slew of deadlines have come up, so much of my time as been devoted to meeting those deadlines. One of my last minute efforts really paid off, however, because I got a department scholarship that will carry me through the summer. That means I'll have some money coming in and I'm not going to be teaching. I'm looking forward to being more of an academic, and less of an instructor and student.

I have a big project looming in the not so near future, and I still need to get my taxes done. This year is going to be a pain, since I have to do returns for several states. It pays to stick around in one location for more than a couple years. Last year I owed Connecticut a whopping $10, and every year I go through the hassle of trying to explain to the State College Burrow that I am not a Pennsylvania resident.  I can't wait till I have a real job where I am stationary for more than a couple years at a time. I'll never make enough money or have enough assets to warrant anything other than the EZ form, and settling down somewhere will streamline the process even more.

My students also have papers and exam coming up, which puts an extra burden on me to grade their assignments. However, papers take a really long time to grade, and it seems like they have had one paper after another to turn in. I simply do not have the time to give, and they'll just get it when I get around to it.

I've also been dealing with my health issues, finally. Ever since this summer I've been having intermittent panic attacks: tight chest, difficulty breathing, mood swings. They come and go, but this semester I really feel the pressure. On Monday I went to go see a counselor and I'll be seeing one regularly for a while to see if I can manage my emotional and anxiety issues with therapy alone. I don't want to go trying medications at this point in the semester, and I don't like the idea of being on something. However, if the therapy doesn't work out I'll try some anti-anxiety  sort term to see if that helps. I just can't go on feeling overwhelmed, I know it isn't healthy.

Part of the issue is that I overextended myself this semester. I've never really felt like I had so much going on that I couldn't function, but I'm coming close to that lately. I will never take so many credits as a graduate student ever again. I'm registered for 13, which is INSANE. It didn't seem like so much when I signed up for it, and it didn't get really rough until a month or so ago. Next semester, I'm signing up for the minimum I can get by on. I figure after a whole year of really pushing myself, I can afford to back off and focus on other things.

Forcing Myself to Write

I'm just finishing up a book on how to write a lot. It's aptly titled, "How to Write a Lot", and it doesn't really provide any breathtakingly profound information, but it does say "hey, stop screwing around and start writing". The problem with scientific writing, compared to other forms of creative writing, is that it is dry and un-fun to do. Research is fun, writing about research is NOT fun.

One of the things I've gotten from this book is to commit to writing on a schedule. On the one hand this is easy, and I've set aside four hours a week for writing-and-writing-only. On the other hand, it can be difficult to tell people I can't do things because I'm writing, people just don't respect "writing time". Matt is very supportive, and encourages me to stick to the schedule. I'm willing to make concessions for things like going to the doctor, because I make those same concessions from other important things like work or class. Sometimes you can't get a better appointment, and you just need to suck it up. However, if I start making exceptions for everything else, there is little point to having a writing schedule at all.

This all started because I haven't been getting much of my own work done lately, and the things I have been getting done have been last minute and by the seat of my pants. I've set up boundaries, become less attached (emotionally) to teaching related things, and set aside time just for writing. It turns out I'm getting much more done.

Having said this, last week was a disaster for productivity. I made spring break (the week before) an actual break, and refused to do anything related to my teaching assistantship. I did do some of my own work which had been waiting on the back burner, and it was nice to have large blocks of time to do it. Of course, this meant that I had a lot of teaching things to take care of last week, so I'm not sure if I actually gained anything in the long run. Last week I also didn't stick to my writing schedule, but I wrote some this weekend to try to make up for it.

My current writing project is getting my "necessary professional documents" in order: CV, statement of research interests, etc. My CV is all up to date, and I have a long version as well as an abbreviated version. This week I am working on my research statement. This is basically a short document which discusses my research interests, what I have done in the past, what I am currently working on, and what my future research goals are. It is very boring, but I am trying my best to make it somewhat interesting.

Future writing projects will hopefully be a little more interesting and be geared toward publications, and not housekeeping. Baby steps... we'll see if this schedule business has any merit to it.

Weddings and Babies

Last week was spring break, and I spent a good bit of it in Utah for my friend Kevin's wedding. We've been friends since middle school, and I haven't seen him in a really long time. It had been about 9 years, not counting a 15 minute visit that neither of us can really remember.

Matt and I flew in on Wed, and we were greeted at the airport by a muscular guy in a gray sweatshirt and a gray beanie. It was Kevin, and he startled me because I didn't recognize him at first under all the layers. He came rushing up to me and gave me a huge hug, I had no idea he was going to be at the airport. Matt and I got our rental car, and Kevin made sure we knew where we were going. Then we met up for dinner where I was reunited with his mother, and I met his brother, Brian, and step dad, Bob.

In a lot of ways Kevin has changed, but not in any way that is bad. He's still a bit silly, but he's balanced it with more maturity that comes with growing up and being in the military. He's turned into a great adult, but he was always a super guy anyway. I had another flash from the past when Rob showed up. He's changed a LOT since high school: long hair, taller, different voice, married, etc. He and Kevin go back to when they were five, so that was a nice reunion as well.

I met Kevin's fiance (now wife), Lacy, who I think fits well with Kevin's personality. I didn't get to talk to her much, but they seem to have a lot in common. The big difference is that she comes from an absolutely massive family. She has five siblings, many of which also have several children. I've never seen so many kids at a wedding before in my life. Babies everywhere! Kevin and Lacy gave me the impression that they want 3 or 4 eventually.

This was a LDS wedding, and since Kevin and Lacy were getting married in the temple, Rob, Matt, and I couldn't actually be there when they got married. But, we were at the fancy luncheon before, and the reception afterward. I feel honored that Kevin wanted me there, and I was glad I could make it. I'm not really close with many people from before college, but the select few are really good people that I don't want to lose.

Despite the huge crowd of people, it was pretty informal. I think I like that. Weddings that are overly orchestrated seem weird to me, and I like a casual atmosphere where you feel like you can get up and wander around to see people. I know that also can lead to chaos, but finding a balance is a good thing.

New Office, Burst Pipe!

As I have mentioned in previous blog entries, the office I was given as a teaching assistant is in a building that would be better off condemned. The office itself is particularly bad, so Felisa said I was more than welcome to set up shop in her big lab. Last week I finally started doing work in their, and I am slowly bringing in my things to get comfortable. I got much more work done this week because I had a comfortable and permanent place to go to. As a bonus, one of the other students comes in to do work and plays interesting music, so it's like a super productive work party.

Yesterday morning I came in to my new space and noticed a weird mark on the floor, it looked like someone had spilled a whole bunch of tea or coffee. The spot was partially dry, and I checked the ceiling above me but didn't see any dripping or other indications of water. I decided someone must have spilled something, and that there wasn't anything wrong.

I came back later in the afternoon to find the rest of my lab in their investigating the steam pipes with a maintenance guy for the building. Apparently one of the steam pipes was leaking (I remember now previously hearing a strange noise coming from the ceiling). The leak was on the other side of the room, directly above one of the lab computers. The water spot I had seen in the morning had come from the computer, under the desk, under a book shelf, and then over to the middle of the room where I found it.

Luckily, the computer is okay and no data was lost. Fred backed everything up in case their were any other problems, and they will be fixing the pipe during spring break. However, we did discover that the pipes were surrounded by asbestos, which is not such a good thing. They will be removing all that when they fix the pipe. Just in case, I'm going to bring all of my stuff home until the problem is resolved.

How Stoopid Do You Think We Are?

I will post again on my own personal graduate school experiences soon, but for now I want to relate to my readers the kind of nonsense that comes along with being a graduate student teaching assistant.

For the record, the lab I am teaching this semester is kind of depressing. It is the abandoned child of the biology core curriculum. It has no continuity with anything going on in lecture, and from what I can tell, the lab portion isn't a priority to the students or the professors teaching it. It's fair to say that the faculty have more or less abdicated any responsibility for the labs, and so they are run as separate entities from the lecture. The lab itself is only worth 20% of the students' total grade, and it has at least 30 different assignments for the TAs to grade (multiplied by however many students we have). That doesn't include the lecture quizzes or exams, mind you, which we are also responsible for.

I'm not saying I don't want to work, or that I hate teaching. I love teaching those students who want to learn something. What I am saying, however, is that it is very difficult to get students to invest any consistent amount of effort into activities that have almost no reward. The only ones who really try are the ones who really care about getting an A. Which sort of brings me to my next point, which is related to the title of this post.

The students have no incentive to work in this lab course, and so they sometimes turn in complete garbage. The TAs have to grade this garbage, which takes time and substantial effort, let me tell you. For example, a couple weeks ago the students wrote a short scientific paper for their homework. It was no more than 3 pages long. Today, one of my friends who is also teaching this class with me discovered that one of her students plagiarized from four different sources on their one-and-a-half-page-long paper. I kid you not. What's even more amazing is that this person just copied huge chunks of text which were easy to find in a simple search on the internet. So not only was this person lazy, they were stupid about it.

They are told not to plagiarize, and we define for them every semester what plagiarism is: it is stealing. These students know the rules. The people that do this kind of thing assume that the TAs are 1) too lazy to go into Google and look up the obviously ridiculous paragraphs in their paper or 2) that we are stupid and don't know how to use an internet search engine. Both of these are bad assumptions, because graduate students do research for a living, we are experts at finding stuff in the most bizarre of places.

The truly spectacular bit of this whole thing is that my friend can't just give this student the zero they fully deserve. Our grading policy forces us to only give zero points for what is specifically plagiarized, which means that they still get points for the little bit of thinking they did do. This stems from fear of retaliation if the student appeals to a higher authority. In other words, to catch plagiarism it takes longer to grade the paper than it did for the student to write the paper in the first place. That just doesn't seem right to me. I think my friend deserves some kind of chocolaty reward for being such a trooper.