A Spiritual Home and Dealing With the Childish

Lately I've been feeling kind of empty in the spirituality department. It has nothing to do with my overall belief in God or values. It has everything to do with the fact that since moving to Albuquerque I haven't found a religious community where I feel comfortable. Back in State College I had a great church, and it was one of the few times in my life where I enjoyed going. Even in Altoona, I had a strong sense of community with my Catholic friends my priest and the small chapel we had on campus.

Albuquerque has a pretty large Catholic population, which would lead one to expect that it would be easy to find a church. But, it isn't just about the denomination, or the location, or the building.There's nothing more disappointing than going into a church that has a really old age structure, no one participates, and there is little community to speak of. Also, if the music stinks, then that is an absolute deal breaker for Matt and me.

I've been going to therapy sessions over the past few weeks, and the whole church thing came up. My therapist is also Catholic, and recommended some churches to me. This weekend Matt and I tried St. Joseph on the Rio Grande for Easter. It was a definite improvement, but Matt thought the organ was over done. In his defense, it was. There was a guy with a 12-string guitar who we couldn't even hear (did he even play it?), and clearly the choir hadn't practiced a few of the songs, which for such an important holiday is troubling. We've decided we'll try the earlier mass at 10:30 to see if it's any different. Admittedly, we're kind of picky but we know we'll never be able to replace Good Shepherd.

There's another issue, which I've been reluctant to talk about with many people, and I haven't brought it up in therapy. I'm not the most devout person, but I have a pretty strong faith and if nothing else I like the security and comfort that church has given me in the past, especially with my dad dying and with having a long term relationship fall apart. Now, with my move to Albuquerque and my transition into biology, I've found myself around more people who are aggressively against religion, particularly Christians, and especially Catholics. It comes off to me very arrogant, unsophisticated, and distasteful when people think it's appropriate to mock what is important to other people (Haha, look at these stupid people for believing in Zombie Jesus and thinking there's a sky wizard!). I've found people who think they are really progressive and open minded, but when they open their mouth they sound really immature and bigoted.

This sense that I can't be open about my religion concerns me a lot; while I really don't care what people personally believe, I don't want trouble in my professional life. Basically, I don't want people judging me because I'm not an Athiest. Maybe people just think they can be open with me (generally they can, I have a fairly tough skin), but no one will ever have a close enough relationship with me to mock me to my face. Actually, they're making me really uncomfortable. An appropriate response would be to tell them they are ignorant and nasty people, but so far I have just ignored them and not sought out their company. But what they're doing is wrong, and it hurts people. Preventing others from causing harm is something fundamental that I believe in, so I feel like I need to start saying something.

The really ironic thing is I get the sense I'm expected to just let it all slide off my back without it affecting me, but I think if I were to openly oppose it I'd get a backlash of crap I'd not soon forget.

Perhaps this experience is a sign of the times. Everywhere I look I see people failing to engage in constructive debate and discussion. It almost always devolves into name calling, mud slinging, and trying to make the other person look like a fool without saying anything containing substance. I used to experience this on a fairly regular basis with a very rude and "conservative" acquaintance in college. It's just easier to resort to the kind of tactics that 4-year olds use, because then you don't actually have to think. I see it on the news, I see it from politicians, and I see if from my fellow scientists. We, as a people, are all acting like children.

Optimism

No sooner did I put up my last post than I read this on my friend's Facebook wall:

"The greater danger for most of us in not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it" - Michelangelo

This was either divine intervention, or a wonderfully timed coincidence.

What do you get when you talk to an eco-radical?

I keep thinking maybe it's time to be a vegetarian, but then I remember all the meat I have in the freezer. So far this has been the year of guilt, and feeling like I personally (along with billions of others) am destroying the world. Being in a biology department that has people in it who study the energy crisis, water crisis, and numerous other crises leads to depressing discussions and debates over how and to what extent humans hurt the planet and each other because of our over consumption and over population.

I take the city bus to school, but occasionally I'll drive if I forget something or if I need to make a quick stop. I drive to the grocery store. I have to take a plane whenever I go to see my family. I don't eat organic because I think it's just to damn expensive, but I do get what's local and in season when it's available. However, how much do individual actions matter? That bus is going to school and that plane is going to CT whether I'm on it or not. Our country's infrastructure is 50+ years old and falling apart, yet we think we're going to add however many million more cars to our bridges and roads over the next few decades. We have no energy plan, yet we think we're going to keep right on growing. Our entire economic model is based on the premise of indefinite growth, which I can assure everyone is not realistic in a world of finite resources. When I really think about it, I'm no more guilty of the stupid crap my government does because I'm an American than I am of the Inquisition because I'm a Catholic. I vote, I tell the higher ups what I want and what my values are, I pay my taxes. Beyond that, I don't know what more I can do as an individual, or if not eating meat would even matter. Those virtuous actions get so diluted in the grand scheme of things.

This week at the very least I came to a decision: I'm going to conscientiously have no more than 2 children in my lifetime. If I want more kids, I'll adopt. That's reproducing for population replacement, not growth. In the United States, reproduction is still a personal decision, the government doesn't impose any kind of restrictions (actually they encourage baby production and population growth through tax incentives, which is madness). A tremendous amount of material and energetic waste comes out of a human life, so this seems like the most ecologically responsible action to take. At least in this regard I can do what seems to be ethically worthwhile.

As far as the meat thing goes, I'll probably get there eventually. Even if individual actions don't really mean much, at least I'd be setting an example. A lot of ethical behavior actually falls into the "doesn't really matter if I do or don't" category, but most people have values none-the-less. For my own sanity, I think I'm going to stop participating in discussions and debates about how the world is at a loss because of people. It's just too depressing. I'm already here and I already know there's a problem, but I can't stand it anymore or else I'm going to end up drinking myself to death (not really, it's a figure of speech, don't worry Mom).

A Very Stressful Semester

Blog updates just aren't happening as regularly as I hoped.

A lot has been going on at school. It seems like busy semesters are a universal principle, regardless of the college or level of education. A slew of deadlines have come up, so much of my time as been devoted to meeting those deadlines. One of my last minute efforts really paid off, however, because I got a department scholarship that will carry me through the summer. That means I'll have some money coming in and I'm not going to be teaching. I'm looking forward to being more of an academic, and less of an instructor and student.

I have a big project looming in the not so near future, and I still need to get my taxes done. This year is going to be a pain, since I have to do returns for several states. It pays to stick around in one location for more than a couple years. Last year I owed Connecticut a whopping $10, and every year I go through the hassle of trying to explain to the State College Burrow that I am not a Pennsylvania resident.  I can't wait till I have a real job where I am stationary for more than a couple years at a time. I'll never make enough money or have enough assets to warrant anything other than the EZ form, and settling down somewhere will streamline the process even more.

My students also have papers and exam coming up, which puts an extra burden on me to grade their assignments. However, papers take a really long time to grade, and it seems like they have had one paper after another to turn in. I simply do not have the time to give, and they'll just get it when I get around to it.

I've also been dealing with my health issues, finally. Ever since this summer I've been having intermittent panic attacks: tight chest, difficulty breathing, mood swings. They come and go, but this semester I really feel the pressure. On Monday I went to go see a counselor and I'll be seeing one regularly for a while to see if I can manage my emotional and anxiety issues with therapy alone. I don't want to go trying medications at this point in the semester, and I don't like the idea of being on something. However, if the therapy doesn't work out I'll try some anti-anxiety  sort term to see if that helps. I just can't go on feeling overwhelmed, I know it isn't healthy.

Part of the issue is that I overextended myself this semester. I've never really felt like I had so much going on that I couldn't function, but I'm coming close to that lately. I will never take so many credits as a graduate student ever again. I'm registered for 13, which is INSANE. It didn't seem like so much when I signed up for it, and it didn't get really rough until a month or so ago. Next semester, I'm signing up for the minimum I can get by on. I figure after a whole year of really pushing myself, I can afford to back off and focus on other things.

Forcing Myself to Write

I'm just finishing up a book on how to write a lot. It's aptly titled, "How to Write a Lot", and it doesn't really provide any breathtakingly profound information, but it does say "hey, stop screwing around and start writing". The problem with scientific writing, compared to other forms of creative writing, is that it is dry and un-fun to do. Research is fun, writing about research is NOT fun.

One of the things I've gotten from this book is to commit to writing on a schedule. On the one hand this is easy, and I've set aside four hours a week for writing-and-writing-only. On the other hand, it can be difficult to tell people I can't do things because I'm writing, people just don't respect "writing time". Matt is very supportive, and encourages me to stick to the schedule. I'm willing to make concessions for things like going to the doctor, because I make those same concessions from other important things like work or class. Sometimes you can't get a better appointment, and you just need to suck it up. However, if I start making exceptions for everything else, there is little point to having a writing schedule at all.

This all started because I haven't been getting much of my own work done lately, and the things I have been getting done have been last minute and by the seat of my pants. I've set up boundaries, become less attached (emotionally) to teaching related things, and set aside time just for writing. It turns out I'm getting much more done.

Having said this, last week was a disaster for productivity. I made spring break (the week before) an actual break, and refused to do anything related to my teaching assistantship. I did do some of my own work which had been waiting on the back burner, and it was nice to have large blocks of time to do it. Of course, this meant that I had a lot of teaching things to take care of last week, so I'm not sure if I actually gained anything in the long run. Last week I also didn't stick to my writing schedule, but I wrote some this weekend to try to make up for it.

My current writing project is getting my "necessary professional documents" in order: CV, statement of research interests, etc. My CV is all up to date, and I have a long version as well as an abbreviated version. This week I am working on my research statement. This is basically a short document which discusses my research interests, what I have done in the past, what I am currently working on, and what my future research goals are. It is very boring, but I am trying my best to make it somewhat interesting.

Future writing projects will hopefully be a little more interesting and be geared toward publications, and not housekeeping. Baby steps... we'll see if this schedule business has any merit to it.

Weddings and Babies

Last week was spring break, and I spent a good bit of it in Utah for my friend Kevin's wedding. We've been friends since middle school, and I haven't seen him in a really long time. It had been about 9 years, not counting a 15 minute visit that neither of us can really remember.

Matt and I flew in on Wed, and we were greeted at the airport by a muscular guy in a gray sweatshirt and a gray beanie. It was Kevin, and he startled me because I didn't recognize him at first under all the layers. He came rushing up to me and gave me a huge hug, I had no idea he was going to be at the airport. Matt and I got our rental car, and Kevin made sure we knew where we were going. Then we met up for dinner where I was reunited with his mother, and I met his brother, Brian, and step dad, Bob.

In a lot of ways Kevin has changed, but not in any way that is bad. He's still a bit silly, but he's balanced it with more maturity that comes with growing up and being in the military. He's turned into a great adult, but he was always a super guy anyway. I had another flash from the past when Rob showed up. He's changed a LOT since high school: long hair, taller, different voice, married, etc. He and Kevin go back to when they were five, so that was a nice reunion as well.

I met Kevin's fiance (now wife), Lacy, who I think fits well with Kevin's personality. I didn't get to talk to her much, but they seem to have a lot in common. The big difference is that she comes from an absolutely massive family. She has five siblings, many of which also have several children. I've never seen so many kids at a wedding before in my life. Babies everywhere! Kevin and Lacy gave me the impression that they want 3 or 4 eventually.

This was a LDS wedding, and since Kevin and Lacy were getting married in the temple, Rob, Matt, and I couldn't actually be there when they got married. But, we were at the fancy luncheon before, and the reception afterward. I feel honored that Kevin wanted me there, and I was glad I could make it. I'm not really close with many people from before college, but the select few are really good people that I don't want to lose.

Despite the huge crowd of people, it was pretty informal. I think I like that. Weddings that are overly orchestrated seem weird to me, and I like a casual atmosphere where you feel like you can get up and wander around to see people. I know that also can lead to chaos, but finding a balance is a good thing.

New Office, Burst Pipe!

As I have mentioned in previous blog entries, the office I was given as a teaching assistant is in a building that would be better off condemned. The office itself is particularly bad, so Felisa said I was more than welcome to set up shop in her big lab. Last week I finally started doing work in their, and I am slowly bringing in my things to get comfortable. I got much more work done this week because I had a comfortable and permanent place to go to. As a bonus, one of the other students comes in to do work and plays interesting music, so it's like a super productive work party.

Yesterday morning I came in to my new space and noticed a weird mark on the floor, it looked like someone had spilled a whole bunch of tea or coffee. The spot was partially dry, and I checked the ceiling above me but didn't see any dripping or other indications of water. I decided someone must have spilled something, and that there wasn't anything wrong.

I came back later in the afternoon to find the rest of my lab in their investigating the steam pipes with a maintenance guy for the building. Apparently one of the steam pipes was leaking (I remember now previously hearing a strange noise coming from the ceiling). The leak was on the other side of the room, directly above one of the lab computers. The water spot I had seen in the morning had come from the computer, under the desk, under a book shelf, and then over to the middle of the room where I found it.

Luckily, the computer is okay and no data was lost. Fred backed everything up in case their were any other problems, and they will be fixing the pipe during spring break. However, we did discover that the pipes were surrounded by asbestos, which is not such a good thing. They will be removing all that when they fix the pipe. Just in case, I'm going to bring all of my stuff home until the problem is resolved.