Lofty and Ambitious Goals

Okay! Semester is off to a good start so far. I haven't been to all of my classes as of yet, and I'm not sure where my schedule is going to settle, but it looks promising. I'm still somewhat stuck in vacation mode, and it was really nice getting out of New Mexico for a couple weeks to visit family and friends before things got busy again. I was pretty desperate to see the ocean and sleep on a beach, and I was successful in checking that off my list of to-dos for the year. I came back from CT more tan than I ever get in NM, probably because I'm so paranoid about sunburns here that I slather myself in sunscreen pretty religiously.

Classes and work aside, I have some personal goals and things I'd like to see happen over the next couple months. I really want to get back into music, I really regret letting that part of me atrophy since college. Starting next week I'm going to schedule daily bass practice, at least 40 minutes a day. Given that I kind of putz around my apartment aimlessly every morning before getting myself out the door, I can easily reallocate this time to playing my electric. If I can commit myself to this successfully for a couple months, I'm going to sell my old upright that I left in CT and allow myself to buy a new one out here in NM. I've also acquired a contact for a voice instructor, and I'd love to take singing lessons and get back into singing somewhat seriously.

Exercise. I kind of became a gym rat over the summer, going for a couple hours roughly 5 times a week. I'd be happy exercising at least 3 times a week while the semester is going, because I turn into an antsy wreck if I sit around for too long at my desk. I'm not sure how I'm going to make this work, running and lifting during the day means I'm sweaty and gross for the remainder of the day, but going at night means I'm taking the bus in the dark, which is kind of sketchy. I might need to get a parking pass to make this doable.

And I am going to harass Russ until we get our papers written and done. There's no reason I shouldn't have at least 2 papers published from my master's research by the end of the spring.

Am I Sick?

I'm still coughing, and now I'm starting to wonder if it's allergies and not illness, or some combination. In the past when I've had this happen a week on Mucinex did the trick. I haven't taken it for a couple days, because I felt like it was getting better. I also used my netti pot last week and was really starting to feel better. Then yesterday I started coughing again. This is either a really persistent respiratory thing, or something in the air is trying to kill me.

I hope it's not the cat. There are several reasons I don't think it's the kitty though. I WAS beginning to feel better. It didn't start getting worse again until the other night where I was out at a loud bar yelling/talking a lot. The yelling seemed to bother my throat and I started having trouble breathing and the coughing picked up. Last night I was hanging around a bonfire and the smoke also seemed to really be bothering me. I don't feel any different when I'm away from the cat, and he's always in my face when I'm home. I feel like if it was the cat I'd feel worse during those time. So I have no idea. This is really beginning to be annoying.

The good news is that this doesn't appear to be affecting my ability to do my Nia class or run, provided I do it inside. I've been religiously using my inhaler for those activities too.

Sick Start to the Semester

Well no sooner did classes begin did I catch a cold. I've been coughing up a lung all week. I've noticed a lot of people around me coughing, so I think there is probably something going around. At first I was worried that it was my allergies (new kitty), but then Matt started having a sore throat and post nasal drip too. I feel pretty confident now that I've been actually sick all week.

Aside from this minor health setback, the first week of school went pretty well. I like my classes so far, although I'm already anxious about Macroecology. We have two assignments, the first being a class project with very little guidance from the instructors. I'm a little nervous trying to work on something with 25 people, but it isn't due until April. The class is already trying to organize itself, and if we can pull it off we'll hopefully finish the semester with a paper we can submit to a journal for publication.

The rest of my classes just seem like they're going to be fun. My working group is also trying to reorganize ourselves to get back to writing our paper. We got an extension, and I've been trying to do more background reading. At the moment I don't feel competent enough to do much writing, but that will come eventually.

Rough Couple Weeks

Since coming back to Albuquerque a couple weeks ago I've been having a rough time getting back to normal. Specifically I've been having this constant feeling of anxiety and tightness in my chest, like I can't breath, but my lungs are clear and my asthma isn't acting up or anything. I've been showing all the signs of having mild generalized anxiety disorder.

I'm not sure what has triggered all of this, but a couple of things stick out.

Immediately after I returned from my trip I had to go to the hospital for a procedure. Originally I was going to be on vacation for another week, but my appointment was moved up so I missed out on more time at home. The results of the procedure were disappointing. A day or so after I started having the anxiety symptoms.

After coming back I've been feeling really homesick for CT. Crazy, because I don't miss the place specifically, but only seeing my family a handful of times throughout the year is taking its toll. The past couple of times I've visited home I've felt really sad after leaving, and I meant to visit my dad's grave when I was home, but I was in Virginia when I realized I had forgotten which made me feel like crap. Since getting back in to town I've been having upsetting dreams.

Last week I was going over some analyses for my research, and I realized I had overlooked something. The pattern I had been seeing in my data doesn't appear to be significant now, so I don't know what that leaves me for that project. Furthermore I don't know if I have the kind of personality that works in academia. I'm not super competitive. I'm modestly driven, but I get bogged down and stressed out pretty easily. I don't know if a high stress career is such a good move.

About two weeks after my hospital let down and a week after my research realization I developed shingles, which has only added to my discomfort. My doctor prescribed some antiviral medication, but told me that stress was probably the trigger for the outbreak.The health center sees their greatest increase in occurrences around finals week. But it's the middle of the summer. What the hell am I so worked up over?

I don't want to complain. I hate admitting that I don't feel good, but I need to let it out somewhere. I look around and I have a lot going for me, but I've been in a slump for over two weeks, and I don't know how to articulate how I'm feeling. My therapist thinks I'm still grieving over my dad, but it's been so long. I hate to think that every time something bad happens I'm going to have a delayed and drawn out process of getting over it. How am I supposed to function and live my life if I can't predict or control how I feel?

Maybe I need to go home more often, or call home more often. Maybe I need to cut down on my personal responsibilities until I get everything under control. I see my therapist again next week, I'm going to talk to him about medication options. Am I depressed? I've always been very tightly would and high strung. I worry now that my personality is going to make me sick. I had been feeling pretty good for a couple months, but it's like I go a period of time feeling fine, and then I get sucked back into a hole. I eventually come out again with some time. This week has actually been a bit better, I've been sleeping a little better over the past couple days.

I was supposed to avoid strenuous activity for two weeks after my procedure. Now that I can exercise again maybe that will help.

A Very Stressful Semester

Blog updates just aren't happening as regularly as I hoped.

A lot has been going on at school. It seems like busy semesters are a universal principle, regardless of the college or level of education. A slew of deadlines have come up, so much of my time as been devoted to meeting those deadlines. One of my last minute efforts really paid off, however, because I got a department scholarship that will carry me through the summer. That means I'll have some money coming in and I'm not going to be teaching. I'm looking forward to being more of an academic, and less of an instructor and student.

I have a big project looming in the not so near future, and I still need to get my taxes done. This year is going to be a pain, since I have to do returns for several states. It pays to stick around in one location for more than a couple years. Last year I owed Connecticut a whopping $10, and every year I go through the hassle of trying to explain to the State College Burrow that I am not a Pennsylvania resident.  I can't wait till I have a real job where I am stationary for more than a couple years at a time. I'll never make enough money or have enough assets to warrant anything other than the EZ form, and settling down somewhere will streamline the process even more.

My students also have papers and exam coming up, which puts an extra burden on me to grade their assignments. However, papers take a really long time to grade, and it seems like they have had one paper after another to turn in. I simply do not have the time to give, and they'll just get it when I get around to it.

I've also been dealing with my health issues, finally. Ever since this summer I've been having intermittent panic attacks: tight chest, difficulty breathing, mood swings. They come and go, but this semester I really feel the pressure. On Monday I went to go see a counselor and I'll be seeing one regularly for a while to see if I can manage my emotional and anxiety issues with therapy alone. I don't want to go trying medications at this point in the semester, and I don't like the idea of being on something. However, if the therapy doesn't work out I'll try some anti-anxiety  sort term to see if that helps. I just can't go on feeling overwhelmed, I know it isn't healthy.

Part of the issue is that I overextended myself this semester. I've never really felt like I had so much going on that I couldn't function, but I'm coming close to that lately. I will never take so many credits as a graduate student ever again. I'm registered for 13, which is INSANE. It didn't seem like so much when I signed up for it, and it didn't get really rough until a month or so ago. Next semester, I'm signing up for the minimum I can get by on. I figure after a whole year of really pushing myself, I can afford to back off and focus on other things.

CT Holiday Recap

Despite my best efforts to keep up with my blog, the past week has been kind of a train wreck, so I haven't been up to the task. This is also supposed to be a blog about my PhD, and currently, I haven't done anything academically related since I'm on break.

After Christmas I had a couple of days of just hanging around; the blizzard we got made travel extra exciting and I had to postpone my trip to PA to pick up Matt by one day. On the day of the blizzard, before it got really bad, I managed to meet up with Lura for some coffee. I tested the road-worthiness of my mom's little Ford Focus, and I have to say, it isn't nearly as good as my station wagon for managing winter conditions. I had a nice visit with Lura, although it was short, and made it home without incident.

Once the blizzard let up I made the four hour journey to PA to visit with Matt and his family for an afternoon. Then, the two of us started back for CT. Somewhere past Scranton I started to feel a little queezy. 2am rolled around once we were back home, and I was violently ill for a good 12 hours. I figured it had to be food poisoning, since it came on so fast and I felt a little better once I was thoroughly empty. This turned out to not be the case, because two days later, on New Year's Eve, Matt became violently ill with all the same symptoms. So far, thankfully, no one else I was around has gotten sick. This is especially important for my grandmother, who isn't in the best of health anyway. Hopefully no one else catches it. It was absolutely no fun, and the end part of my visit in CT was spent sick. Rather than visiting with people I had been waiting months to see, Matt and I were eating applesauce and broth and watching horrible daytime television. But, that happens, sometimes breaks are spent sick. I can vividly recall spending a couple Christmases as a child with the flu. In a lot of ways, I'm glad I was home with my mommy and Matt, instead of trying to find people to cover me at work back at school. This could have happened during the semester, which would have introduced a whole other dimension of annoyance.

Yesterday we took the train in to DC to visit with Matt's family and friends for the rest of the break. Matt still isn't back to eating regularly; I am, but with some mild discomfort. The next couple of days will only bring better health. The train ride into Virginia was pleasant, it was nice not driving and I'll definitely use it again for this kind of trip. I think the train is seriously underrated as a means of transportation in this country. It's not always the most convenient, but when it works out it is great.

As for the people I didn't get to visit with at home, and the plans I needed to back out of, I'll definitely be back for a visit in the summer. That's such a long ways off, though. Spring break in March is still uncertain, I was hoping to go somewhere in the South to visit friends down there. The invitation to come see us in New Mexico is still open, however, if anyone wants to take us up on it.

Week Recap, A General Lack of Understanding, and Other Mishaps

This past week isn't much to write home about. Friday I got donuts with Fred for breakfast (and then I went again on Sunday with Matt, he loves Krispy Kreme). Then Saturday Matt had a bird survey about an hour and a half south of Albuquerque. When he returned we went to a Halloween party that a classmate of mine was throwing. They had a HUGE dog, but he acted more like an overgrown puppy than anything, so he was fun.

Yesterday I picked up the apartment a bit, and now at least my desk is clear enough for me to comfortably work at. Matt and I went for a drive, picked up some roasted and raw chilies, and then went to Old Town to wander around. It seems like when we go to Old Town it's always late on a Sunday, which is not the best time to go, everything is already closed or closing. There were some shops, however, that were handing out candy to kids in costumes because it was Halloween. So that was fun. Then we went home, and we made some pumpkin soup from the pumpkin I bought about a week ago. Delicious! This time it had a lot of cinnamon in it, probably more than my Mom would have liked, but we liked it.

I received a letter the other day from my auto insurance company. The NM MVD (motor vehicle department) told my insurance that my VIN number doesn't match anything they have on file. That's because I haven't been able to register my car, because I need a copy of the title from CT. I just filled out the online application... to have an application mailed to me. In this day and age, I feel like I should be able to just print the actual application myself, but no. So, hopefully it won't take too long for the application to get here, and hopefully it won't take all year for my title to arrive. The title became lost with all the moving that went on over the past few years. I'm sure I have it somewhere, and I'm going to continue looking for it in the mean time. I also need to call my insurance company and tell them what's going on. Hopefully this won't affect my coverage.

I've had a very frustrating couple of weeks with my students, particularly this past weekend. They were supposed to formulate a hypothesis to test at the local zoo/slash aquarium on a vertebrate adaptation. What they have been reporting to me are not hypotheses. Without going into too many boring details, I've been having a back and forth with them where they'll give me something wrong, and I'll correct them, and then they'll turn around and come back with something that is still just as wrong. They completely ignore my corrections, and just do whatever the hell they want. And I'm starting to lose my patience.

We've also reached that point in the semester where the end is somewhat near. That has been sending me slightly into freak out mode, where I feel like I need to get some more stuff done. However, I'm taking a lot of classes, and as a result that's pretty much all I have time for. My students are starting to get lazier, and getting them to do what they're supposed to do is like pulling teeth. I can remember how that was... back when I was in middle school. But these people are, theoretically, PAYING for their classes. I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

At any rate, it's Monday, and I have a long day of teaching ahead of me. I've been fighting a head cold/allergies ever since I got back from Pittsburgh, two weeks ago. I'm going to go ahead and assume it is allergies. I ran out of one of my perscriptions, and I need to get it filled. But that will have to wait until tomorrow. I don't have time today to stand around in a pharmacy, especially since there might be a complication with getting the perscription transfered from Penn State's pharmacy. I know there probably shouldn't be any reason for there to be a problem, but PSU's pharmacy has a way of making everything complicated.

Free Dental

Today Matt and I spent about 7 hours waiting around for free dental care. The New Mexico Mission of Mercy had a massive clinic set up yesterday and today. The plan was to go yesterday, but we didn't get out of the house early enough, so we went today.

I need my wisdom teeth taken out pretty badly, it probably should have been done while I was in college. I had the opportunity today to get them out for free, but because I need all four removed and some are still just barely coming in, it would have been a pretty major operation that would have potentially put me out of commission for four days. Plus, it was getting late on in the afternoon, and I don't know if they would have gotten to me anyway. I have to teach Monday (all day) and Tuesday I have a statistics exam. Being drugged up and in pain wasn't really an option. Had I gone yesterday, I probably would have done it.

This is the first time the clinic has been in Albuquerque. It was amazing, they were prepared to do pretty much anything, free of charge. They had an army of dental hygienists and oral surgeons who were volunteering their time and energy. There were even those machines that can do a 360 degree x-ray of your head. This is a huge deal in this city: so many people are homeless, unemployed, or underemployed, and just don't have the means for general dental care. That can be potentially life threatening.

It's disappointing that I waited so long today and missed out on an opportunity to save some major bucks with my wisdom teeth. However, I now know that I don't have any cavities, my gums are healthy, and I got a thorough cleaning. So even though I really REALLY need my wisdom teeth out, I know they aren't rotting out in my skull, and I'm doing a fair job of keeping them clean. I don't have dental insurance yet, the plan that I could have gotten through the university is really rather pathetic and totally inadequate for any major procedures: it had a maximum coverage of $500 per claim. I was told this clinic was coming up, and I have discount options at the UNM dental clinic on campus, so forking over a lot of money for a mediocre plan wasn't worth it.
 
Now that I know my mouth is healthy in general, I can plan for getting my teeth yanked in the, hopefully, near future. Maybe I'll set up a health savings account. Also, the clinic will be in Los Lunas next year. That's further away, about 4 hours, but if I can go there early next year and get my procedure done, it'll be worth it.